I had a conversation today that confirmed what the Lord has been speaking to me about. I think He is revealing something that I didn’t even realize has crept into my life and has become a stronghold. There was a time when I could write in my journal and go and and on and on…a writer. Just thru my writing I could read back over it and see where the Lord was revealing Himself to me in a profound way. Even speaking to a friend, I have always been able to ‘put it out there’. I don’t think I have lacked in allowing a friend to speak what is in her heart and world but I see thru time that on my side of things I just ‘don’t have much to say’ on my end. I always feel like what I have to say is insignificant, not worthy of telling, too much and where to begin, a since of unworthiness of even opening my mouth about anything that might be floating around in this head of mine. I am a very deep person but thru time am showing a very shallow exterior. This I realize is even towards my own husband. Even more than that, my very own Lord. I realize He wants intimacy with me and if all I am giving Him, in which is exactly what I have began doing for sometime now is, “oh, you know Lord” and I leave it at that. Ok, what kind of conversation is that? He knows me better than I know myself but if I don’t share my heart with Him how is it that He can reveal Himself to me and in return shine thru me to others? I do these bible studies and it comes to the ‘how do you feel’ part, completely dismiss it or give a one liner and move on to the next thing. If someone asks me what they can pray for me about I instantly feel a tear coming to the surface and ask for prayer about my kid, husband, a friend,…in all of this, a tear because I truly am not sure I even know how to articulate a need for prayer. It’s not about my feelings right? Jesus cares, otherwise He would not have given us feelings. I have so been in the frame of mind that it is not about my feelings that I forgot I have them~ha!
Usually when I go to write a blog post I can’t think of ONE thing anyone would want to hear…so, I go to other strong amazing posts and share a little of my heart with a comment here and there to others.
I don’t want to be shallow and I don’t want the enemy thinking He won by completely shutting me down so much so that the Lord and I can’t have intimacy, or a husband who I blame for being closed down when maybe it would take me opening up, or a friend who shares a struggle and I can share mine so that we can pray for one another.
I think this will take some time because it has taken time to get in this place.
Grateful for intimacy with my Lord
Grateful for feelings
Grateful for a praying friend
Grateful for a mouth that can reveal truth