The she here is ME, do you ever fight with someone inside of your head, you say this, they say that, and on and on the conversation goes. Layton has said many of times, “I think you are crazy” when we are in a heated discussion about whatever, normally I would defend myself (even though quite frankly I do think he makes me crazy at times) but today I think he speaks some truth in that statement.
After having a fairly good night of sleep I wake up this morning to read my bible and my brain is all over the place. I can’t concentrate and I feel attacked all ready. Every word I read in the bible is like, “what did that just say?” and then I go back over it and again. Finally I just shut it up, curl up into a blanket, turn off the light, lay my head down on the couch and started praying or should I say praising, not asking, reminding myself of who He is.
I have lived under this shadow of ‘not enough’ for Him or anybody else for a while now and I’m sick of living like that. Not to say I need to be a star but to say I need to start living like I matter in this life the Lord has given to me. I may not be doing anything ‘radical’, freakish like, suffering like, but I love Jesus and choose to serve Him with all that I do have in my life. Being a wife, a mother, friendships, tending to my home, my salon, you know how the list goes on. I get all hung up with the ‘mundane’ things of life that look to me like I’m not being good enough, putting myself out there enough, it’s never ENOUGH!
Each day I want to walk in the steps he would guide me to walk, to not miss where He is leading me to go, to speak where I need to speak, to shut up where I need to shut it, to show compassion where it is needed, an ear when someone needs to be heard, to pray where there is a need and to do where I can help, to encourage a person who is down, to laugh when something is funny, and cry when I feel pain. I should trust that the Lord loves me and no works or more of anything is not going to get me to heaven. His GRACE is all I’ve got. He knows where my heart is at and my goal is to be obedient to whatever He brings my way.
In reading the ‘Accidental Pharisee’ it has made me examine myself without condemnation. The book made me realize that the Lord will use me where He needs me and I need to feel confident in who I am in Him. That my relationship with Jesus is just that MINE, He knows how to communicate to me and I always want to listen and never miss what step He is leading me next. My giftings are a gift from the Lord and I want to use them to glorify Him. I don’t need anybody else’s calling nor do I need anybody else’s gifting He has equipped me with all that I need to do my part on this earth for the sake of His kingdom. I can feel confident and sure that even though I may not be a ‘Christian star’ I still will always set out to shine for Him. (smile, that sounded corky but that is how I feel.)
I am so grateful that the Lord knows who I am within because if He only saw me by my outside appearance, well, I just can’t even go there. And I think that is what has been my problem this whole time I wonder what people must think when they ‘see’ me or what it looks like to them when ‘they know me by my fruit’ because it may not look like much from the world point of things but the Lord knows what I am up to, what my prayers are, reasons for my tears, or the smile that goes across my face, and why I do what I do. I have felt judgement when really I’ve been judging myself. He did tell us to live in peace, so I’m going to work on THAT in my head rather than trying to stir something up that He hasn’t even asked of me to do or get in a tiz about.
His GRACE is sufficient for me!